7. 如何纪律处分 – 案例研究？

l 黛安已经上班迟到了，因为她试图说服三岁的约书亚穿上外套，这样她就可以带他去日间托儿中心。在一顿匆忙的早餐和对应该穿哪双鞋子的争论后，约书亚也感到紧张。他并不在乎妈妈在一个小时后有个会议，他告诉妈妈，他想留在家里玩。当黛安告诉他这是不可能的时，约书亚倒在地板上。感到难过和愤怒，他开始哭泣。”你会怎么做？

一. 忽视型父母 - 如果是一位采取忽视式教养风格的家长，可能会告诉孩子他不愿意去日间托儿是“愚蠢的”，认为他没有理由为离开家而感到难过。然后可能会试图转移他的注意力，或许用饼干来引诱他，或者谈论老师为他准备的有趣活动。

二. 不赞成型父母 - 如果是一位不赞成式教养风格的家长，黛安可能会因为约书亚拒绝合作而责骂他，告诉他厌倦了他的顽皮行为，并威胁要打他。

三. 放任型父母 - 如果是一位放任式教养风格的家长，黛安可能会接受约书亚的愤怒和悲伤，同情他，告诉他他想留在家里是非常自然的。但之后她可能会不知所措。她不想责骂、打他，也不想用饼干来引诱他，但留在家里也不是一个选择。也许最终她会与他达成协议：我陪你玩一个游戏十分钟，然后我们就离开，不哭泣。至少在明天早上之前是这样。

四. 情商高的父母 -
黛安说：约书亚穿上你的外套吧，是时候走了。
约书亚说：不！我不想去托儿所。
黛安说：你不想走吗？为什么不呢？
约书亚： 因为我想和你在一起。
黛安说：你喜欢吗？是吗？
约书亚说：是的，我想待在家里。
黛安说：天哪，我想我知道你的感受。有些早晨，我希望你和我能蜷缩在椅子上，一起看书，而不是匆匆忙忙地出门。但你知道吗？我向办公室里的人做出了一个重要的承诺，我会在九点之前到达，我不能违背这个承诺。
约书亚（开始哭泣）：但为什么不呢？这不公平。我不想去。
黛安说：过来，约书亚。（把他抱到自己的腿上。对不起，亲爱的，但我们不能待在家里。我敢打赌，这会让你感到失望，不是吗？
约书亚（点头）：是的。
黛安说：也有点难过吗？
约书亚说：是的。“黛安：我也感到有点难过。（她让他哭了一会儿，然后继续拥抱他，让他流泪。我知道我们能做什么。让我们想想明天，那时我们不必去上班和上托儿所。我们将能够一起度过一整天。你能想到明天想做什么特别的事情吗？
约书亚说： 吃煎饼，看动画片？
黛安说：当然，那就太好了。还有其他吗？
约书亚说： 我们可以把我的小拉车带到公园吗？
黛安说：当然啦
约书亚说：凯尔也能来吗？
黛安说：也许吧。我们得问问他的妈妈。但是现在得启程了，好吗？
约书亚说：好的。

l 合乎圣经的养育方式

一. 找出孩子想要什么，为什么？

二. 认可他的情绪。

三. 需要圣灵的帮助来辨别隐藏的动机。

四. 下一步做什么？

一. 对于不同的父母来说，「最小程度的力量」意味着不同。例如，当我大儿子3岁时，我认为我没有能力像一个情商高的父母所做的那样。我缺乏足够的耐心、意识或技能来做到这一点。我认为这是可以接受的。

二. 假设孩子能够去学校（不是因为生病、其他心理问题或隐藏问题），如果这变成一个服从问题，那么我将采取负面后果来确保我儿子上学。这比起高情商父母的做法更多运用了力量，我认为这样也是可以接受的。如果这是你的情况，你必须意识到你正在在孩子的情感存款帐户中进行提款。你使用的力量越大，对情感存款帐户的提款就越多。如果你对孩子的情感存款帐户进行了更大的提款，这意味着你将需要填补这个赤字，之后你需要进行更多的存款。没有免费的提款。

7.    How to discipline – Case study?

a.    DIANE IS ALREADY LATE FOR WORK AS SHE TRIES TO COAX three-year-old Joshua into his jacket so she can take him to daycare. After a too-quick breakfast and a battle over which shoes to wear, Joshua is tense too. He doesn’t really care that his mom has a meeting in less than an hour. He wants to stay home and play, he tells her. When Diane tells him that’s not possible, Joshua falls to the floor. Feeling sad and angry, he starts to cry.” What do you do?

i.    Dismissing parent - “If she was a Dismissing parent, she might tell him that his reluctance to go to daycare is “silly”; that there’s no reason to feel sad about leaving the house. Then she might try to distract him from his sad thoughts, perhaps bribing him with a cookie or talking about fun activities his teacher has planned.”

ii.   “As a Disapproving parent, Diane might scold Joshua for his refusal to cooperate, telling him she’s tired of his bratty behavior, and threatening to spank him.”

iii.  “As a Laissez-Faire parent, Diane might embrace Joshua in all his anger and sadness, empathize with him, tell him it’s perfectly natural for him to want to stay home. But then she’d be at a loss for what to do next. She wouldn’t want to scold, spank, or bribe her son, but staying home wouldn’t be an option, either. Perhaps in the end, she’d cut a deal: I’ll play a game with you for ten minutes—then it’s out the door with no crying. Until tomorrow morning, that is.”

iv.   Emotional Intelligent parent - “Diane: Let’s put on your jacket, Joshua. It’s time to go. Joshua: No! I don’t want to go to daycare. Diane: You don’t want to go? Why not? Joshua: Because I want to stay here with you. Diane: You do? Joshua: Yeah I want to stay home. Diane: Gosh, I think I know just how you feel. Some mornings I wish you and I could just curl up in a chair and look at books together instead of rushing out the door. But you know what? I made an important promise to the people at my office that I’d be there by nine o’clock and I can’t break that promise. Joshua (starting to cry): But why not? It’s not fair. I don’t want to go. Diane: Come here, Josh. (Taking him onto her lap.) I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t stay home. I’ll bet that makes you feel disappointed doesn’t it? Joshua (nodding): Yeah. Diane: And kind of sad? Joshua: Yeah. “Diane: I feel kind of sad, too. (She lets him cry for a while and continues to hug him, letting him have his tears.) I know what we can do. Let’s think about tomorrow, when we don’t have to go to work and daycare. We’ll be able to spend the whole day together. Can you think of anything special you’d like to do tomorrow? Joshua: Have pancakes and watch cartoons? Diane: Sure, that would be great. Anything else? Joshua: Can we take my wagon to the park? Diane: I think so. Joshua: Can Kyle come, too? Diane: Maybe. We’ll have to ask his mom. But right now it’s time to get going, okay? Joshua: Okay.”

b.    Biblical parenting

i.    Find out what the child wants and why?

ii.   Validate his emotions.

iii.  Need help from the Holy Spirit to discern hidden motives.

iv.   What to do next?

1.    Minimal force means differently for different parent. For example, when my first son was 3 years old, I don’t think I am capable of doing what an emotional intelligent parent could have done. I didn’t have enough patience, awareness, or skills to do it. I think that is ok.

2.    Assuming the child can go to school (not because of sickness, or other mental issues, or hidden issues), if this becomes an obedience issue, then I will move to giving out negative consequences to make sure my son goes to school. This is more force than the emotional intelligent parent. I think it is ok. If this is you, you have to realize that you are making a withdrawal in the child’s emotional bank account. The greater the force you use, the greater the withdrawal on the emotional bank account. If you are making greater withdrawal on the emotional bank account, it means that you will need to fill that deficit in, you will need to make more deposits later. There are no free withdrawals.