6. 2019 年 – 迦勒与雪莉的对抗关系

l 人物 – 迦勒11-12 岁时

l 事件 – 即使我们经历了迦勒青春期的叛逆，迦勒与雪莉的关系依然充满挑战。总的来说，与那八个困难的月份相比，情况显然有所改善，但迦勒与雪莉的对抗性关系持续存在。情况变得困难到雪莉和迦勒都开始向我抱怨。雪莉的抱怨是我并没有尽力帮助迦勒服从。有时候，当她要求迦勒做某事时（因为我不同意雪莉试图强制实行的事情），甚至我也会破坏她的努力。基本上，我违反了我们在孩子面前要保持统一立场的协议（私底下我们可以有分歧，但不可以在孩子面前公开表露）。迦勒的抱怨是我没有保护他。迦勒准确地分析了我们家庭的权力动态。他说，因为我是家中的领导者，我是第一位。妈妈是第二位。迦勒是第三位。由于任何妈妈想要的事情，我都会同意（因为迦勒看到统一立场的原则大多时候被实践），这意味着如果迦勒和妈妈有分歧，迦勒总是输。例如，诺亚的朋友有个生日派对，雪莉想要全家参加，而迦勒不想去，发生了什么事？最后会怎样呢？就是迦勒被迫服从去。雪莉想要全家去爬山，而迦勒讨厌爬山，会发生什么？迦勒被迫去爬山。这种情况一再发生。不仅如此，因为雪莉希望迦勒参加或达成许多好的活动，雪莉会「鼓励」迦勒参加。雪莉不希望每个情况都变成服从的问题，所以她会「鼓励」或「请求」迦勒做某事。例如，雪莉会说：“迦勒，你可以和我们一起去爬山吗？”如果迦勒说不，有时她会用电视时间来贿赂他。“迦勒，如果你和我们一起去爬山，你可以额外看30分钟的电视。”然后迦勒会问：“我要爬几英里？”如果雪莉说2英里，迦勒同意，但当我们爬山时，原来为了到达步道的起点，我们必须多走0.5英里，因为附近没有停车场，这时迦勒就会生气，因为这是额外一英里。或者，他可能会争取更多的电视时间，而雪莉不想给更多电视时间。迦勒基本上感觉被妈妈操控了。另一个情况是，雪莉说：“迦勒，我们真的很希望你来，但你可以自己决定。”迦勒说不。然而，雪莉真的希望迦勒来，所以她不停地问，贿赂，或者请我介入。因此，迦勒感觉自己被操控，真的没有选择。最后，我和雪莉进行了一次对话。我指出明显的问题，即她与迦勒之间存在对抗性关系。她同意。我告诉她，她的意图是好的，她希望迦勒得到最好的（爬山不是坏事，这是一个良好的运动，接触大自然。练习吉他/学习乐器也不是坏事……等等）。如果每天她想要强制迦勒执行100个行动（无论是什么），即使这些都是好意，她的关系也将与迦勒疏远。迦勒最终会讨厌她。因此，她需要仔细思考她的要点是什么，她真正关心的是什么，专注于这些，并确保她不会疏远与迦勒的关系。最终，雪莉意识到这一切源于她控制结果的渴望。夏娃也做了同样的事情，并被欺骗了（创世记3:6-7, 16）。雪莉不得不放弃控制，相信上帝的主权，专注于要点，真正给予迦勒在生活中做出各种决定的空间。当我们继续努力解决这个情况时（我们三个人），迦勒给出的一个反馈是我们需要非常清楚地指明哪些是他可以选择的要求，哪些是需要服从的命令。专门地，他希望雪莉非常清楚，不要操控他。如果雪莉给了他选择，即使那不是她想要的结果，她也必须尊重那个选择。放弃控制对雪莉来说是困难的，但她绝对不会冒险破坏与迦勒的关系。感谢上帝，他们的关系逐渐好转，目前（迦勒17岁）他们之间有很好的关系。

6.    2019 – Caleb adversarial relationship with Shirley

a.    Who – when Caleb was 11-12 years old

b.    What – Even though we went through Caleb’s preteen rebellion, Caleb continues to have more difficult time with Shirley.  Overall, it definitely has improved compared to the difficult 8 months, but Caleb’s adversarial relationship with Shirley continues.  It got difficult to the point where both Shirley and Caleb began complaining to me.  Shirley’s complaint is that I don’t do enough to help Caleb to obey.  Sometimes, I even undermine her when she asks Caleb to do something (because I don’t agree with what Shirley is trying to enforce).  Basically, I broke my agreement to have a united front in front of our kids (privately we can disagree, but not publicly in front of the kids).  Caleb’s complaint is that I don’t protect him.  Caleb accurately broke down power dynamics in our household.  He said that since I am head of the house, I am #1.  Mom is #2.  Caleb is #3.  Since anything Mom wants, I agree (because Caleb sees the principle of united front happening most of the time), that means if Caleb and Mom disagree, Caleb always loses.  For example, there is a birthday party for Noah’s friend, Shirley wants the whole family to go, Caleb does not want to go, what happens?  Caleb is forced to go out of obedience.  Shirley wants to go on a family hike, Caleb hates hiking, what happens?  Caleb is forced to go hiking.  This goes on and on and on.  Not only this, because there are a lot of good activities that Shirley wants Caleb to do or achieve, Shirley “encourages” Caleb to do them.  Shirley certainly does not want every situation to be an issue of obedience, so she will “encourage” or “request” Caleb to do something.  For example, Shirley will say: “Caleb, can you come hiking with us?”.  If Caleb says no, sometimes she will bribe him with TV time.  “Caleb, if you come hiking with us, you get 30 minutes extra TV.”  Caleb will then ask: “how many miles am I hiking?”.  If Shirley says 2 miles and Caleb agrees, but then while we are hiking, it turns out that to get to the beginning of the trail, we had to hike 0.5 mile due to no parking close to the trail, then Caleb starts to have a fit because that is an extra mile that he is asking.  Or, he may negotiate for more TV and Shirley does not want to give more TV.  Caleb basically feels manipulated my mom.  Another scenario would be, Shirley says: “Caleb, we would really like you to come, but you can decide.”  Caleb says no.  However, Shirley really wants Caleb to come so she keeps asking, or bribe, or ask me to step in.  Therefore, Caleb feels like he is being manipulated and really has no choice.  Finally, I had a conversation with Shirley.  I pointed out the obvious, that she has an adversarial relationship with Caleb.  She agrees.  I told her that her intentions are good, she wants what is best for Caleb (hiking is not bad, it is good exercise, being outdoors.  Practicing guitar / learning an instrument is not bad … on and on).  If every day, she wants to enforce 100 actions on Caleb (whatever they are), even though they are good intentions, she will lose her relationship with Caleb.  Caleb will end up hating her.  Therefore, she needs to think hard about what her essentials are, what she really cares about, focus on those, and make sure she does not lose relationship with Caleb.  Ultimately, Shirley realized all of this comes from her desire to control the outcome.  Eve did the same thing and was deceived (Genesis 3:6-7, 16).  Shirley had to let go of control, trust in God’s sovereignty, focus on the essentials, and truly give room for Caleb to make a variety of decisions in his life.  As we continue to work through this situation (all three of us), one feedback Caleb gave was that we need to be very clear on what is a request that he has a choice in, and what is a command that requires obedience.  Specifically, he wanted Shirley to be really clear and not manipulate him.  If Shirley does give him a choice, then she has to respect that choice even if that is not the outcome that she wanted.  It was difficult for Shirley to give up control, but she certainly was not going to risk losing her relationship with Caleb.  Praise to God, their relationship gradually got better and currently (Caleb at age 17) they have a great relationship.