4. 2019 年 – 虐待性育儿

l 事件 – 当Y大约6岁时，他仍然在上中文学校，接受中文课程。由于我12岁时移民到美国，家庭中我是最擅长中文的人。因此，我有责任检查他的功课并帮助他学习中文。我记得有一个晚上，我们在读有中文拼音的书。有几个词是Y发音不正确的。我们一遍又一遍地复习，但他总是忘记如何发音或使用注音标注发音。我开始感到沮丧，内心深处怀疑我的儿子是否有某种学习障碍。我的另外两个儿子似乎没有这种短暂记忆问题。我告诉Y他需要专心并正确发音，否则会有后果。我们试了几次，他仍然无法正确发音。我感到非常沮丧，用铅笔橡皮头戳Y，试图让他做到最好，我指着注音，再次发音，希望他能做到。他开始哭泣。由于时间已晚，我们停下来，他去睡觉。后来，在反思中，我惊恐地意识到这就是虐待的开始。首先，Y并不固执。他听从我和我一起练习中文。他有一颗服从的心。他并不固执（据我所知），并非故意不学习或不正确发音。Y在努力，我想他其实在尽力。我意识到这不是一个服从问题。这不是Y的问题，而是我的问题。在反思的时候，我被挑战了一些问题，比如：如果Y有学习障碍怎么办？如果Y学习速度不如其他孩子怎么办？如果Y的记忆力确实不如其他人怎么办？如果Y无法达到我对他学习中文的期望怎么办？我的回应是什么？我是否信任上帝的善良和主权？我是否仍然是拥有这个孩子的最幸运的父亲？在与这些问题搏斗后，我把Y交给了上帝。第二天，我向他道歉并请求原谅。他原谅了我。他告诉我他觉得自己愚蠢，不擅长任何事情，尤其是中文。我告诉他他做得很好，我们会一起努力改进。

4.   2019 – Abusive parenting

a.   What – When Y was around 6 years old, he still had Chinese school, Chinese lessons. Since I immigrated to the states when I was twelve years old, I know Chinese the best in the family. Therefore, it was my duty to review his lessons and help him learn Chinese. I remember one evening, we were reading Chinese texts with Zhuyin (Mandarin Phonetic Symbols). There were a few words which Y could not say correctly. We went over them again and again, and he kept forgetting how to say it and sound it out using Zhuyin. I was getting frustrated. Inside my head, I began to wonder if my son has some type of learning disability. My other two sons do not seem to have this short-term memory issue. I told Y that he needs to focus and get it right, otherwise I was going to give him consequences. We tried a few more times and he still was not able to get it right. I got so frustrated that I poked Y with eraser part of the pencil, trying to get him to focus, to do his best, pointing to the Zhuyin, sounding it out, hoping that he will get it. He started crying. Since it was getting late, we stopped and he went to bed. Later, after reflection, to my horror, I realized that this is how abuse starts. First, Y was not willful. He obeyed me in practicing his Chinese together with me. He had a heart of obedience. He is not willful (as far as I can tell), in deliberately not to learn or sounding out words incorrectly. Y was trying, I think he was actually trying his best. I realized that this was not an obedience issue. This was not a Y issue, this was a Willie issue. In my reflection time, I was challenged with questions such as: What if Y has a learning disability? What if Y cannot learn as fast as other children? What if Y does have bad memory compared to others? What if Y cannot meet my expectations in learning Chinese? What is my response? Do I trust God’s goodness and sovereignty? Am I still the luckiest father to have this child? After wrestling with these questions, I gave Y to God. Next day, I apologized to him and asked him for forgiveness. He forgave me. He told me that he felt stupid and that he is not good at anything, especially at Chinese. I told him he is doing fine and we will work on it together.