2024年2月6日——弥迦对管教的解决方案

● 人物：弥迦·王（Micah Wang），10岁

● 事件：尽管弥迦才10岁，但他已经表现出所有青少年叛逆期的迹象。事情是这样的：一个工作日，弥迦晚上6点有美术课。他放学回家后，我问他打算什么时候早点吃晚饭。他告诉我5点，因为我们之前说好他需要在5点45分准备好出发。到了5点，我提醒他是时候吃晚饭了。当时他一直在看书，然后他告诉我他改为5点15分再吃。

这时，我面临一个选择：我可以按他的新时间表来，也可以要求他遵守原先的5点。我知道他已经开始进入早期的青春期阶段，于是我决定利用这次机会来测试他的顺服程度。我告诉他，他已经向我承诺了5点吃饭，我希望他放下手头的事（他可以看完那一页），履行他最初的承诺。他直截了当地告诉我他不想这样做。他强烈的反应让我感到惊讶。我能感觉到他的任性和不情愿顺服的心。我又问了他一次，并告诉他如果不顺服，他会承担后果。他仍然不想顺服，于是我告诉他，他将失去这个周末的屏幕使用时间（看电视/玩游戏等）。他很沮丧，并且态度坚决。弥迦告诉我，我可以给他任何后果，但他就是不会顺服。

此时，我不得不深吸一口气，控制住自己的情绪，继续这个过程。如果弥迦当时嚎啕大哭、发脾气、情绪完全失控，我会暂停一下，确保他有时间思考自己的行为并在事态升级前冷静下来。然而，弥迦并非那种状态，他似乎在盘算和思考下一步该怎么做。他也没有给我“别管我”或“我需要点时间”的信号。

最终，弥迦失去了1个月（4个周末）的屏幕使用时间。他仍然没有让步。整个过程中，我一直在祈祷，乞求上帝的怜悯和力量，乞求上帝软化弥迦的心。最后，我在他面前跪下来（降到和他一样的高度，直视他的眼睛），恳求他顺服，因为我不想给他更多的后果。我告诉他，如果他不顺服我，即使我们已经为这个棒球赛季付了钱，我也会取消他的整个棒球赛季（弥迦热爱打棒球）。我恳求他不要试探我的底线。

弥迦崩溃了，下楼去吃晚饭了。他很生气也很沮丧，但他顺服了。这时，已经快5点15分了。我们最终在5点45分得以出门。他问我能否坐在汽车后排而不是我旁边，我同意了。在之前的一次管教中，他曾向我解释过，当他生我的气时，他不想坐在我旁边，尤其是在车里。他害怕自己会情绪失控打我，导致我在开车时出车祸，两人都丧命。

美术课结束后，时间已经很晚，我们没有机会讨论和修复关系。第二天放学后，我问弥迦是否想讨论这件事。他不想。几天后，他终于准备好了。我问他，我要求他遵守最初承诺的5点吃饭时间，而不是让他5点15分吃，这样做是否苛刻或不合理。他反驳说，这有什么区别？他仍然能赶上5点45分出发。我告诉他我相信他能赶上。我告诉他，在大多数情况下，我可能都会让他5点15分吃。但是，我会时不时地测试他的顺服。拥有一颗顺服的心，对我作为父亲和基督徒来说非常重要。

我问弥迦，为了拖延15分钟吃饭，而失去4周的屏幕时间，甚至可能失去整个棒球赛季，值得吗？弥迦陷入了沉思，但没有回答。过了一会儿，他告诉了我他的解决方案。

弥迦说，既然他长大了，我应该让他做他想做的事。他说我太严格了。他说如果我继续这样管教他，给他后果，我会失去（我们之间的）关系。等他长大了，他就不会再跟我说话，他会恨我。那是我想要的吗？

我告诉弥迦我爱他，我绝不想失去我们的关系，我也希望弥迦永远不会长时间地恨我。然而，我告诉他我不能让他为所欲为，顺服是他必须做到的。我并不完美，但我会尽力去爱他，不惹（激怒、招惹）他的气。我告诉他我别无选择，因为上帝命令我这样做，因为我爱上帝，我不能违背上帝。

听到这句话，他来了精神，问道：“圣经里哪里说了这个？”我的心欢喜跳跃，因为这是圣灵的工作。我们翻到了以弗所书6章1-4节。我们以前学习过这几节经文，但这一刻比以往任何时候都更加深入人心。弥迦作为孩子，要听从父母。我作为父亲，要管教和教导。之后弥迦沉默了，我能看出他在思考。我拥抱了他，说我爱他，然后结束了讨论。我祈祷上帝的话语会达成其目的，训练弥迦拥有一颗顺服的心。

27. 2/6/2024 – Micah’s solution to discipline

l Who – Micah Wang, 10 years old

l What – Even though Micah is 10 years old, he is exhibiting all signs of teenage rebellion stage. Here is what happened. On a weekday, Micah has art class at 6:00 PM. When he came home after school, I asked him when he will eat an early dinner. He told me 5:00 PM since we agreed that he needs to be ready to go at 5:45 PM. At 5:00 PM, I reminded him it’s time to eat dinner. At this time, he has been reading, he then told me that he will eat at 5:15 PM instead. At this point, I had a choice, I can go with his new timeline, or I can ask him to stick with 5:00 PM. Knowing that he is already going through his initial teenage stage, I decided to use this instance to test his obedience. I told him that he had already committed to me to eat at 5:00 PM, and I want him to drop what he is doing (he can finish his page), and fulfill his original commitment. He flatly told me he didn’t want to. I was surprised by his strong reaction. I can sense his willfulness and his unwilling heart to obey. I asked him one more time and told him that if he didn’t obey, I will give him a consequence. He didn’t want to obey, so I told him that he lost this weekends’ screen time. He was frustrated and dug in. Micah told me that I can give him as much consequences and he just won’t obey. At this point, I had to take a deep breath, control my emotions, and continue the process. If Micah was in complete tears, throwing a tantrum, and just emotionally out of control, I would take a break to make sure Micah has time to think through what he is doing and calm down before escalating. However, Micah was not in that state and he seems to be calculating and thinking in his head what to do next. Micah also did not give me the signal of “leave me alone” or “I need some time”. Micah ended up losing 1 month / 4 weekends of screen time. He still did not relent. All this time, I was praying, begging for God for mercy and strength, begging God to soften Micah’s heart. Finally, I kneel down (got down to his level, looked him straight in the eyes) in front of him, I begged him to obey because I don’t want to give him more consequences, I told him that if he does not obey me, even though we already paid for the baseball season, I would cancel his whole baseball season (Micah loves playing baseball). I begged him not to test me. Micah broke and went downstairs to eat dinner. He was angry and frustrated, but he obeyed. At this point, it was almost 5:15 PM. We were able to leave the house at 5:45 PM. He asked me if he can sit in the back of the car instead of sitting next to me, I said ok. In a previous discipline session, he had explained to me that when he is angry with me, he does not want to sit next to me, especially in the car. He is afraid that he would lose control of his emotions, punch me, and we would both die in a car accident while I was driving. After his art class, it was already late so we did not have a chance to discuss and restore our relationship. Next day, I asked Micah after school whether he wanted to discuss this incident. He didn’t want to. After several days, he was finally ready to discuss. I asked him whether it was harsh, or unreasonable for me to ask him to obey me to stick with his original committed time of eating at 5:00 PM instead of letting him eat at 5:15 PM. He countered with, what is the difference? He will still make the 5:45 PM mark. I told him that I believed him. I told him that in most instances, I probably would have let him eat at 5:15 PM. However, from time to time, I will test his obedience. Having a heart to obey is really important to me as a Father, and as a Christian. I asked Micah, was it worth losing 4 weeks of screen time, and possibly whole season of baseball, for 15 minutes of delay in eating? Micah was thoughtful but did not answer. After a bit of time, he told me his solution. Micah said that now that he is older, I should let him do what he wants. He said that I was way too strict. He said that if I continue to discipline him, give him consequences, I will lose the relationship. When he grows older, he won’t talk to me anymore, he would hate me. Is that what I want? I told Micah that I loved him, that I would never want to lose the relationship, and I hope that Micah never hates me for extended period of time. However, I told him that I cannot let him to whatever he wanted, and that obedience is demanded from him.  I am not perfect, but I will do my best to love him and not annoy (exacerbate, provoke) him. I told him that I have no choice because God commanded me to do this, and because I love God, I cannot disobey God.  At this comment, he perked up and asked, where is this in the Bible? My heart leaped for joy because this is the work of the Holy Spirit. We turned to Ephesians 6:1-4. We have studied these verses before, but this moment sunk in more than before. Micah, as a child, obeys parents. I, Father, disciplines and instructs. Micah was quiet after this and I can tell he is thinking about it. I hugged him, said I loved him, and ended the discussion. I pray that the word of God will accomplish its purpose and train Micah to have a heart of obedience.