2023年9月10日，星期六——弥迦情绪爆发

● 人物：弥迦·王（Micah Wang），9岁。因为2023年9月20日就是他的生日，所以快10岁了。

● 事件：一场棒球比赛后，弥迦需要小便。我们尽快跑向洗手间，但厕所有人（只有一个位置）。弥迦没忍住，尿在了身上。在我们走回车的路上，我开始问他什么时候感觉需要小便，并建议他下次可以早点去洗手间。这时，弥迦感到非常尴尬，可能已经在生自己的气（我当时没有意识到他的感受有多糟糕）。弥迦不停地对我说：这不是我的错。洗手间有人不是我的错，我有棒球比赛所以很忙也不是我的错。这种“不是我的错”的态度和防御性真的让我很恼火。我告诉弥迦他是有责任的，下次他可以做得更好。这真的激怒了他。

我们快到车旁时，我让他把手套拿出来，坐在手套上而不是车座上。他没有服从我。所以我扣掉了他15分钟看电视的时间。他仍然不服从，于是我又扣了15分钟。然后他服从了，坐在了自己的手套上。在车里，他的愤怒和情绪持续累积，直到他再也无法控制。他开始哭闹、尖叫、大喊，那种方式是我从未在弥迦身上见过的。弥迦一直是三个孩子中情绪最外露的，我们一直在努力帮助他控制情绪。但这次，他真的爆发了。他开始捶打座椅，尖叫着“你不爱我”（多次），“我恨你”（多次），“我不想再待在这个家了”（多次），“你根本不关心我”（多次），“你是个愚蠢的爸爸”（多次），“你是个混蛋（bitch）”（多次），“我只想逃离你”。

我完全惊呆了。我绝对是个愚蠢的父亲，竟然这样激怒了他。我反复回答弥迦说我爱他。我也让弥迦停止说狠话并冷静下来，但这只会让他更加激动。然后我不再和他说话，但出于某种奇怪的原因，这让他更恼火（我认为弥迦是想让我承认我错了。然而，我当时在开车，处于震惊状态，而且我也不是一个轻易认错的人）。接着，弥迦开始多次向我吐口水。

此时，我明显看出弥迦正处于盛怒之中，到了无法回头的地步，任何惩罚都不会起作用，因为弥迦已经失去了理智。我们终于到家了（车程大约10分钟）。我心里祈祷着，乞求上帝帮助，寻求指引和智慧。到家后，我当时不想给弥迦任何惩罚，我只想让他下车洗个澡。弥迦皮肤敏感，我知道如果他一直穿着湿衣服，会起严重的疹子。让他在车里独自待了几分钟——我从远处观察他（希望他能冷静下来）——之后，我让他下车。他不肯，并开始在车里吐口水。他不停地吐。我不敢让他独自留在车里，我怕他可能会用拳头打窗户或做出其他不理智的行为来伤害自己。我完全无计可施了。快速祈祷后，我决定把弥迦拉出车，带进车库。我关上车库门，恳求他脱掉衣服我好帮他洗，然后去洗个澡。完全是上帝的恩典，我当时对弥迦没有生气。我感到悲伤和害怕，但没有愤怒。我不知道该怎么办。

经过更多祈祷，我能看出弥迦在观察我，看我会怎么做。事实上，早先当弥迦在车里不停吐口水时，我能感觉到他在试探我的反应。当我没有采取任何行动时，他就把吐口水推到了极限。我知道我必须做点什么。我考虑过打屁股，但我已经很多年没打过弥迦了。我甚至不记得上次打他是什么时候，也许是他五六岁的时候。我觉得孩子大了打屁股效果不好。我更愿意讲道理或给予像不许看电视这样的惩罚。而且，在那个时候，我不确定打屁股会有什么用。我害怕打屁股只会让弥迦更生气。

最后，我坚定地告诉弥迦，他必须服从我（脱衣服洗澡），否则我就要打他屁股了。我告诉他我爱他，我不想这样做，我恳求他服从。弥迦尖叫说打屁股不疼，打屁股没什么。我很矛盾，我知道我必须打得足够疼才能让他记住，但我又担心打得太重伤到他。我也不相信自己在那时是否会失控，因为弥迦所有的情绪能量像龙卷风一样冲击着我。

最终，我把弥迦按住（令我惊讶的是，当我按住他时，他没有反抗。弥迦也没有打我，这让我有点惊讶）。我在他大腿后侧、臀部稍下的位置打了五下。我非常害怕会伤到他，但我必须让他感到足够的疼痛。之后，我恳求他服从我。起初他没有。然后我说，弥迦，如果你不服从，我需要再打你一次。感谢上帝，那时他的态度完全变了，我看到他绝对不想再挨打，于是他服从了我，脱掉衣服去洗澡了。他告诉我他恨我，不想和我在一起。所以，我让他独自洗澡。我跪着祈祷，害怕他会伤害自己。几分钟后，我听了听，浴室里没有尖叫或什么声音，我非常害怕，试图打开门，但显然弥迦锁了门。我现在真的很害怕，于是我敲门，不停地问弥迦是否还好，是否安全，我让他开门让我看看他。感谢主，他开了门，我进去拥抱他，告诉他我爱他。弥迦在我怀里彻底崩溃，放声大哭。我问他我是否可以陪着他，然后只是抱着他，他说可以。我当时的判断是，他的狂怒结束了，弥迦恢复了理智，他意识到自己做了什么，并感到非常糟糕。他开始说他非常抱歉。我告诉他我永远不会抛弃他，我会永远爱他，即使他恨我，即使他对我说了所有那些狠话，即使他向我吐口水，我仍然爱他。我们互相拥抱了一会儿。弥迦悔恨地哭着，然后擦干身体，我们在他的床上依偎了相当长一段时间，一言不发。

● 事后处理

事件发生2小时后——我问弥迦是否想谈谈发生了什么。他说想。同时，我尽快把情况告诉了雪莉（Shirley），她给了我一些很好的反馈。 本质上，我没有意识到弥迦当时感到多么尴尬和难受。此外，弥迦后来告诉我，他已经和他的朋友说好棒球赛后去麦当劳（弥迦本来打算问我）。尿裤子后，他意识到去不成了，对自己感到非常沮丧。我关于他责任的教导时机不对。弥迦当时需要的是一个拥抱和鼓励的话语，而不是教导。正因为如此，弥迦觉得我不关心他。我解释了这一点，并请求他原谅我没有意识到他当时的需求反而激化了他的情绪。弥迦原谅了我。

然后我们开始谈论他的狂怒。弥迦分享说他感觉像是变成了另一个人，他无法控制自己，就是无法停止当时感受到的强烈情绪。我意识到这可能是弥迦第一次感受到这种狂怒，这种强度，他不知道如何应对。我们在迦勒（Caleb）大约10岁时经历过这种情况。我们曾度过非常艰难的8个月，处理迦勒的愤怒、叛逆， 本质上是提前到来的青少年问题。我猜是某种大脑发育过程导致了强烈的情绪。我认为这正发生在弥迦身上。我问弥迦这样一个场景：如果当时他身边有一把上了膛的枪，并且他感受到同样的狂怒，他会不会开枪打我，杀死我。他说会。然后我问他，如果他开枪打了我，之后会有什么感觉。弥迦说他会感觉非常糟糕，并会恨自己这样做。然后我告诉他，没有人能保证他不会再感受到同样的狂怒，无论是由谁引发或如何发生的。弥迦向我道歉，我当然原谅了他。我告诉他，我们需要努力找到最佳方法来掌控他的情绪和愤怒。

 事件发生5小时后——在弥迦上床睡觉前，我们就他的愤怒进行了交谈。我们讨论了预防和释放。

 预防——我告诉弥迦，当我们和迦勒经历类似情况时，有帮助的方法是让迦勒说出他的感受。如果，作为一个愚蠢的父亲，我没有意识到弥迦的感受，我正在激怒他，那么他给我的信号可以是：“请让我一个人待会儿”，“请给我点时间”。那会提示我停止我正在做的任何事情，我会保持安静，给弥迦时间冷静下来，不再追问。

 释放——我们谈到愤怒需要释放。总是需要释放的。弥迦的释放方式是说伤人的话来伤害我、吐口水、哭喊和尖叫。我告诉弥迦，说伤人的话和吐口水是完全不可接受的。我告诉他他说的话真的伤害了我（那时我哭了，因为经过一整天，我的心理防线终于垮了）。我们讨论了更好的释放方式。例如，去跑步、在车里尽可能大声地尖叫、打枕头或毛绒玩具、走开。我们还谈到了呼吸，实际上是在愤怒时花时间呼吸，做深呼吸。

 其他观察

 我感激且惊讶的是，在整个事件过程中，弥迦没有打我或捶我。我问他为什么没有那样做，他说他知道不能出于愤怒打人或捶东西。这告诉我他当时非常努力地试图控制自己的狂怒。而且，多年来，我和弥迦一直努力让他在生气时不打人，即使别的孩子对他很凶。不将体力作为愤怒时的首选发泄方式非常重要。我很感激也很高兴那些教导结出了果实。

 经验教训

 对弥迦要多观察、多共情。比起我教导的欲望，要更敏感于他的需求。寻找更好的教导时机。

 身体疼痛在这种情况下是有用的。当然，如果我没有把弥迦触发到不可挽回的地步会更好。一旦到了那种地步，我认为弥迦在他的狂怒中发现了新的力量。我的感觉是他在（可能不是有意地）试探我是否会因为他的狂怒而退缩。打屁股实际上震动了他，让他恢复了理智。这非常棘手，因为如果我出于愤怒打他，如果我在情绪上失控，我可能会在愤怒中伤害他（包括身体上和情感上）。孩子们很聪明，能分辨出是否他们按到了你的按钮让你快要失控。因为打屁股是以一种可控的方式进行的，弥迦知道我是认真的，我没有情绪失控。他也知道我不是想伤害他，而是想为他做最好的事，那就是洗澡。疼痛、身体上的疼痛能够穿透一个人，这是一个非常深刻的属灵功课。我认为有时候上帝能引起我们注意的唯一途径就是通过痛苦。出于爱而施加痛苦，让我们醒悟过来。

 青春期前/青春期的焦虑已经开始在弥迦身上出现。我需要记住这一点。

 有趣的小插曲

 那天晚上弥迦上床睡觉前，他竟然问我“bitch”（混蛋）是什么意思。我很困惑，因为弥迦知道这是不好的、伤人的词，所以他用它来骂我，但他实际上不知道它的意思。我问他从哪里学到这个词，并向他解释了它的含义。

23. 9/10/2023 – Saturday – Micah flipped

n Who – Micah Wang, 9 years old.  Almost 10 since 9/20/2023 will be his birthday.

n What – After a baseball game, Micah had to pee.  We ran to the bathroom as quickly as we could but the stall was taken (there was only one spot).  Micah could not hold it in and peed on himself.  As we were walking back to the car, I began asking him when he felt he needed to pee and that perhaps next time he can go to the bathroom earlier.  At this point, Micah was feeling really embarrassed and probably already angry at himself (I did not recognize how bad he was feeling at the time).  Micah kept saying to me, it is not my fault.  It is not my fault that the bathroom had someone in it, it is not my fault that I had a baseball game so I was busy.  This attitude of not my fault, this defensiveness, really bothered me.  I told Micah that he was responsible, and that next time, he can do better.  This really made him angry.  Once we got close to the car, I asked him to take his glove out and sit on top of the glove instead of the seat.  He did not obey me.  So I took 15 minutes of TV away from him.  He still did not obey, so I took another 15 minutes of TV away from him.  He then obeyed, sat on the top of his glove.  In the car, his anger and emotion continued to build, until he couldn’t hold it in any longer.  He started crying, screaming, yelling in such a manner that I have not seen it before in Micah.  Micah has always been the most emotional child out of the three, and we have been working hard on controlling his emotions.  This time, he really flipped.  He started to hit his seat and screaming “you don’t love me (multiple times), I hate you (multiple times).  I don’t want to be part of this family anymore (multiple times).  You don’t care about me (multiple times).  You are a stupid father (multiple times).  You are a bitch (multiple times).  I just want to run away from you.  I was in utter shock.  I am absolutely a stupid father to trigger him.  I replied to Micah that I loved him, repeatedly.  I also asked Micah to stop being mean and calm down, that only exacerbated him even more.  I then stopped talking to him, but for some weird reason that just annoyed him even more (I think Micah wanted me to acknowledge how wrong I was.  However, I was in a state of shock while I was driving.  Also, I am certainly not a person that easily admit that I am wrong).  Micah then started to spit at me, multiple times.  At this point, it was obvious to me that Micah is in a fit of rage, at a point of no return, no amount of consequences was going to register since Micah was no longer rational.  We finally arrived home (car ride was about 10 minutes).  In my heart, I was praying, begging God for help, asking for guidance and wisdom.  Once we are home, I did not want to give Micah any consequences at this point, I just wanted him to get out of the car and shower.  Micah has sensitive skin and I knew that he was going to get a bad rash if he keeps sitting in his wet clothes.  After a few minutes of leaving him alone in the car – watching him from afar (hoping that he would calm down), I asked him to get out of the car.  He would not and started spitting inside the car.  He kept spitting and spitting.  I am afraid of leaving him alone in the car since I thought he may actually hurt himself by punching the window or some other irrational behavior.  I am completely at the end of myself.  After quick prayer, I decided to pull Micah out of the car and into our garage.  I closed the garage door, begged him to take his clothes off so I can wash them for him and go take a shower.  Completely by God’s grace, I was not angry with Micah.  I was sad and scared, but not angry.  I didn’t know what to do.  After more prayer, I can tell that Micah was observing me to see what I would do next.  In fact, earlier, when Micah kept spitting inside the car, I could sense that he was testing me to see what I would do.  When I didn’t do anything, he was pushing the spitting as far as he can.  I knew I had to do something.  I thought about spanking, but it has been many years since I had to spank Micah.  I don’t even remember when was the last time that I spanked him, maybe when he was five or six years old.  I didn’t think spanking was effective when they were older.  I would much rather reason and give consequences like TV.  Also, at this point, I was not certain that spanking would do anything.  I was scared that spanking would just make Micah madder.  Finally, I told Micah firmly that he had to obey me (take his clothes off and go shower), otherwise I was going to spank him.  I told him that I loved him, I didn’t want to do it, I begged him to obey.  Micah screamed that spanking doesn’t hurt.  Spanking is nothing.  I was ambivalent, I knew I had to hit him hard enough to really register pain, but I was worried of hitting him too hard and hurting him.  I also didn’t trust myself at this point whether I would lose control when I hit him due to all the emotional energy from Micah that has been hitting me like a tornado.  Finally, I held Micah down (I was surprised that he didn’t fight back when I held him down.  Micah also didn’t punch or hit me, which I was a bit surprised about).  I hit Micah five times in the back of his thigh, slightly below his butt.  I was really afraid of hurting him in some way but I had to give enough pain to register.  After that, I begged him to obey me.  Initially, he didn’t.  Then, I said, Micah, I will need to spank you again if you don’t obey.  Praise God, at that point, his demeanor completely changed, I saw that he definitely didn’t want another spanking and he obeyed me, took his clothes off, and went to take a shower.  He told me that he hates me and did not want to be with me.  So, I left him alone in the shower.  I was on my knees praying, I was afraid that he was going to hurt himself.  After a few minutes, I listened and didn’t hear any screaming or much sound in the bathroom, I was really scared so I tried to open the door, but apparently Micah had locked the door.  I was really scared now, so I knocked on the door and kept asking Micah if he was OK, if he was safe, and I told him to open the door so I can check on him.  Praise the Lord, he opened the door, I went in and hugged him and told him that I loved him.  Micah completely broke down in my arms and just cried.  I asked him if it is ok to be with him and just held him, he said yes.  My best read at this point is that his rage was over and Micah came to his senses, he realized what he has done and felt extremely bad about it.  He began to say he was really sorry.  I told him that I would never abandon him, I will always love him, even if he hated me, even with all the mean things he said to me, even if he spitted at me, I would still love him.  We held each other for a while.  Micah was crying repentantly, then he dried himself and we cuddled in his bed for quite some time without saying a word.

n Postpartum

u 2 hours after incident – I asked Micah if he wanted to talk about what happened.  He said yes.  In the meantime, I was able to quickly relate what happened to Shirley, she gave me some good feedback.  Essentially, I was not aware how embarrassed and how bad Micah was already feeling.  In addition, Micah later told me that he had already talked to his friend in going to MacDonald’s after the baseball game (Micah was going to asked me).  After he peed, he realized that he won’t be able to go and was really frustrated with himself.  My instruction regarding his responsibility was bad timing.  What Micah needed was a hug and words of encouragement and not instruction.  Because of this, Micah felt that I didn’t care about him.  I explained this and ask him for forgiveness for not recognizing what he needed at the moment and exacerbated him.  Micah forgave me.  We then proceeded to talk about his rage.  Micah shared that he felt like he was a different person, that he had no control, that he just could not stop all the intense emotion that he was feeling at the moment.  I realized that this is probably the very first time Micah has ever felt this type of rage, this intensity, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.  We had experienced this with Caleb when he was around 10 years old.  We dealt with a very difficult 8 months period with Caleb regarding anger, rebelliousness, essentially teen issues that came earlier than expected.  My guess is that there is some brain developmental process which causes intense emotions.  I think this is happening to Micah.  I asked Micah this scenario: if there was a loaded gun next to him, and he was feeling the same rage, would he shoot me, to kill me.  He said yes.  I then asked him how he would feel after he shot me.  Micah said that he would feel really bad and would hate himself for doing it.  I then told him that nobody can guarantee that he won’t feel the same rage again regardless who triggered it and how it happened.  Micah said sorry to me and of course I forgave him.  I told him that we need to work on how best to master his emotions and anger.

n 5 hours after the incident – Before Micah went to bed, we engaged in conversation on his rage.  We discuss prevention and release.

n Prevention - I told Micah what was helpful when we went through similar situation with Caleb was for Caleb to articulate how he was feeling.  If, as a stupid father, I did not recognize how Micah was feeling, that I am exacerbating him, his signal to me will be, “Please leave me alone”, “please give me time”.  That will signal me to stop whatever I am doing, I will remain quiet, and just give Micah time to cool down, no questions asked.

n Release – we talked about how anger requires release.  There always is a need for release.  Micah’s release was saying mean things to hurt me, spitting, crying, and screaming.  I told Micah that saying mean things and spitting were completely unacceptable.  I told him that what he said really hurt me (I cried at that point since it was then my guards were finally down after the whole day).  We talked about better ways to find release.  For example, go running, be inside a car and scream as loud as possible.  Go punch a pillow or stuffy.  Walking away.  We also talked about breathing, actually take the time to breath when you are in rage, taking deep breaths.

n Other observations

u I am grateful and surprised that throughout the incident, Micah did not hit or punch me.  I asked him why he didn’t do that, and he said that he knew he can’t punch or hit out of anger.  This tells me that he was trying really hard to master his rage.  Also, Micah and I had worked really hard on not hitting or punch when he is angry for many years now, even if another kid was being mean to him.  It was really important to not resort to physical force as the immediate option out of anger.  I am grateful and glad that those lessons were fruitful.

n Lessons learned

u Be more observant and empathetic to Micah.  Be more sensitive to his needs than my desire to instruct.  Find better timing to instruct.

u Physical pain was useful in this situation.  Of course, it would have been better if I didn’t trigger Micah to the point of no return.  Once there, I think Micah discovered new found powers in his rage.  My sense is that he was testing (probably not intentionally) to see if I would back off from his rage.  The spanking actually jolted him and brought sense back to him.  It was really tricky because if I spanked him out of anger, if I was out of control emotionally, I could have hurt him out of anger (both physically and emotionally).  Kids are smart enough to tell whether they pushed your button to the point where you are losing control.  Because the spanking was done in a controlled manner, Micah knew I meant business, that I did not lose control emotionally.  He also knew that I was not trying to hurt him but rather trying to do what was best for him which was to shower.  The ability for pain, physical pain, to get through a person is a really deep spiritual lesson.  I think that sometimes the only path that God can get our attention is through pain.  The administration of pain, out of love, to knock us into our senses.

u Preteen / Teenage angst has already started for Micah.  I need to keep this in mind.

n Funny occurrence

u Before Micah went to bed that night, Micah actually asked me what a bitch was.  I was really confused because Micah knew that it was something bad and mean, so he called me a bitch, but he actually didn’t know what it meant.  I asked him where he learned the word and explained to him what it meant.