2017-2018年——迦勒的青春期前叛逆

● 人物：当时迦勒（Caleb）大约10岁

● 事件：在迦勒大约10岁的时候，我们度过了一段非常艰难的时期。大约有8个月的时间，迦勒非常难管教。他与雪莉（Shirley）和我之间形成了一种对立的关系。他很难服从我们，往往需要施加很多后果才能让他听话。迦勒每周至少会情绪失控一次。他经常态度恶劣，对我们要求他做的事翻白眼。迦勒还会对弟弟们很凶，说难听的话，捅弟弟们来惹他们生气。总之，就是一个让人不愉快的孩子。

一个典型的例子是：我们让迦勒把衣服收好。迦勒不会直接说不，但他不会马上做。基本上，没有“第一次就顺服”。如果我们再问他，他会问为什么现在就要做，为什么不能待会儿做（当然他待会儿就忘了）。另一个例子可能是：到了晚饭时间，我们叫他吃饭。他说他不饿，问为什么现在就要吃晚饭，为什么不能晚点再吃。这类冲突经常发生。在这些“小摩擦”中，施加足够的后果后，迦勒最终会服从。但通常最终他会大喊大叫，有时还会哭闹。对我们父母来说，最终往往以对他大喊大叫、表达对他为何如此难管教的沮丧而告终。

到了这个年纪，他已经太大了，我们不能打他，我也不记得我们打过他。我记得有很多次我想把他的头往墙上撞。我做过最接近的事是非常用力地推他，他因愤怒和沮丧倒在了床上。雪莉和我感到绝望。大约3个月后，我们开始每晚一起为他祷告。我也向我的导师寻求建议。在一次讨论中，我得到了一个意想不到的建议。当我向导师S解释我的情况时，我在想也许我对迦勒太严厉了。也许我应该避免一些这样的冲突，更温和一些，减少与迦勒的对立。我以为那是出路。然而，导师S告诉我，要加倍后果，不要放松。基本上，我不能停止“打破意志”的过程，我需要坚持到底。

在此期间，我和迦勒确实建立了几种有用的模式。首先，经过研究和阅读书籍，我意识到在青少年时期，由于大脑发育，他们开始更强烈地体验情绪。因此，迦勒正在第一次以那种强度体验一些他不知道如何处理的情绪。所以，如果我要求迦勒做某事、顺服我，而他不想做，迦勒可能会开始体验到强烈的沮丧和愤怒。那时，我很容易通过快速给他后果来升级和加剧情况（这是一种罪），这只会让他更生气，使我们陷入恶性循环，最终迦勒会完全暴怒并被愤怒蒙蔽。我们的约定是，当迦勒开始感到强烈的愤怒、沮丧情绪累积时，他可以在任何时候要求暂停（timeout）。这时，我会给他空间，离开，完全不跟他说话，不要求他做任何事。他会用那段时间冷静下来、深呼吸、祷告，做任何他需要做的事。这个暂停时间限制在10分钟内，否则就只是不顺服的借口。这个暂停有助于避免冲突升级。

我们达成的第二个协议是：顺服就是顺服，没有“为什么”或讨论（这适用于简单的要求，例如“吃你的西兰花”）。我们可以在顺服之后讨论为什么或其他问题。问题只能是为了澄清如何顺服，而不是为什么和什么时候。为什么、什么时候或关于被要求事项的任何其他讨论都必须在顺服之后进行。

最后，考虑到在迦勒人生的这个阶段陪伴他所需要的时间、精力和挫折，雪莉和我同意我们需要减少“战斗”，减少我们决定要强制顺服的领域。这里的目标不是压制迦勒让他在每件事上都完美顺服，目标是培养一颗顺服的心。例如，迦勒直到15岁，在任何天气下都不穿长裤（当然，如果我们去参加婚礼，我们会让他穿长裤）。无论多冷，我们都没有强制迦勒穿外套或长裤。他并不常生病，我们决定这不是一个值得花费我们情感精力去强制顺服的重要领域。

即使吸取了所有这些教训，仍然很困难，似乎这段家庭不和的时期永远不会结束。然后，奇迹般地，在大约8个月之后，我们开始注意到迦勒的态度有了明显的改善。变化是巨大的。他变得像天使一样。我们持续观察了一天，两天，我们认为这不会持久，但它持续了一周。我们大大地表扬了他。大约一周半后，我问迦勒发生了什么。迦勒告诉我，他厌倦了态度恶劣、让弟弟们不喜欢他、与我们争吵、与上帝抗争、不断承担后果。因此，迦勒决定他不想再那样生活了。他向上帝祷告，求上帝帮助他变得良善和积极。我震惊了。这让我想起了浪子的比喻（路加福音15:11-32）。当儿子在吃猪食时，他醒悟过来了。通过圣灵，所有的后果、顺服的工作，创造了一个痛苦、悲惨的环境，让迦勒能够醒悟过来。我们不知道这需要多长时间，但通过祈祷和 perseverance，凭信心，我们相信上帝会改变人心。

● 近期更新

迦勒现在15岁了。我们很感恩，没有经历我们所听到和观察到的其他青少年正在经历的那种剧烈叛逆。不是说这不会发生，而是感激迦勒正走在好的道路上。更重要的是，我们与他之间的沟通渠道仍然是开放的。

22. 2017-2018 – Caleb preteen rebellion

n Who – when Caleb was around 10 years old

n What – We had a really difficult time with Caleb when Caleb was around 10 years old.  For about 8 months, Caleb was really difficult to deal with.  He had adversarial relationship with Shirley and me.  He had a hard time obeying us and it requires a lot of consequences for Caleb to obey.  Caleb would have emotional tantrums at least once week.  Caleb had bad attitudes frequently, roll his eyes at what we ask him to do.  Caleb would also be mean to his brothers, say mean things to them, poke his brothers to make them mad.  All in all, just an unpleasant child to be around.  A typical example will be, we ask Caleb to put his clothes away.  Caleb would not outright say no, but he wouldn’t do it right away.  Basically, no first-time obedience.  If we ask him again, he would ask why he needs to do it now, why he can’t just do it later (of course he forgets later).  Another example could be, it is dinner time, and we ask him to eat dinner.  He says he is not hungry, why do we need to eat dinner now, why can’t he just eat dinner later.  These types of confrontation occur frequently.  In these skirmishes, with enough consequences, Caleb ultimately obeys.  However, it typically ends in him yelling, screaming, sometimes crying.  For us as parents, it ends in yelling at him, expressing frustration on why he is being difficult.  At this point, he is too old for us to spank him, and I don’t recall we had to spank him.  I recall many instances where I wanted to smack his head into the wall.  The closest I got was shoving him really hard where he felt back into his bed out of anger and frustration.  Shirley and I were desperate.  About 3 months in, we started praying for him together every night.  I also sought council from my mentors.  In one of my discussions, I received an advice I never expected.  As I explained my situation to mentor S, I was thinking that perhaps I am being too hard on Caleb.  I probably should avoid some of these confrontations, be softer, and be less adversarial with Caleb.  I thought that was the path forward.  Instead, mentor S told me to double the consequences, to not let up.  Basically, I cannot stop the process of breaking the will, I need to see it through.  During this time, Caleb and I did establish several helpful patterns.  First, after researching and reading books, I realized that in the teenage years, as part of their brain development, they start experience emotions much more intensely.  Therefore, there are emotions that Caleb is experiencing first time in that intensity in which he does not know how to handle.  Therefore, if I ask Caleb to do something, to obey me, and he does not want to, Caleb may start experiencing intense level of frustration and anger.  At that point, I can easily escalate and exacerbate (this is a sin) Caleb by quickly giving him consequences, which only makes him angrier, which puts us in a vicious cycle, where at some point, Caleb is in complete rage and is blinded by that rage.  Our agreement is that when Caleb starts feeling intense anger, frustration, that build up, at any moment, he can ask for a timeout.  At this point, I give him space, I leave, don’t talk to him at all, don’t require anything at all from him.  He will use that time to calm down, breath, pray, whatever he needs to do.  This timeout time is limited to 10 minutes, otherwise it is just an excuse for disobedience.  This timeout was useful to avoid escalation.  The second agreement that we come to is that obedience is obedience, there is no why or discussion (this applies to simple asks, for example, eat your broccoli).  We can have the discussion on why or any other questions AFTER obedience.  Questions can only be clarifications on how to obey, not why and when.  Why and when or any other discussions on what it is to be asked comes AFTER obedience.  Finally, given the amount of time, energy, frustration required to work with Caleb through this period of his life, Shirley and I agreed that we need to reduce our battles, reduce what we decide as area to enforce obedience.  The goal here is not to dominate Caleb to the point where he obeys perfectly in everything, the goal here is to develop a heart of obedience.  For example, Caleb, up to the age of 15, did not wear pants in any type of weather condition (of course, if we went to a wedding, we make him wear pants).  No matter how cold, we did not enforce Caleb wearing a jacket or pants.  He didn’t get sick that often and we decided this was not an area that was important to spend our emotional energy to enforce obedience.  Even with all these lessons learned, it was still difficult, and it seems like this period of family discord will never end.  Then, miraculously, after about 8 months of this, we started noticing a stark improvement in Caleb’s attitude.  The change was drastic.  He became angelic.  We saw for one day, two days, we didn’t think it was going to last, but it went on for a week.  We praised him profusely.  After about a week and half, I asked Caleb what happened.  Caleb told me that he got sick and tired of having bad attitude, having his brothers not like him, fighting with us, fighting with God, constantly getting consequences.  Therefore, Caleb decided that he didn’t want to live that way anymore.  He prayed to God to help him to be good and positive.  I was floored.  It reminded me parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).  While the son was eating pig food, he came to his senses.  Through the Holy Spirit, all the consequences, work on obedience, creates a painful, miserable environment so that Caleb can come to his senses.  We don’t know how long it is going to take, but through prayer and perseverance, by faith, we trust that God will change the heart.

n Recent Update

u Caleb is 15 now.  Grateful that we are not experiencing any drastic rebellion that we hear and observe other teenagers that are going through.  Not that it won’t happen, but grateful that Caleb is on a good path.  More importantly, our communication channel with him is still open.