16. **6/2024 – Micah 受同伴影响**

**对象** 

Micah Wang，10 岁

**事件背景** 

Micah 有幸被选中参加我们本地小联盟的季后赛棒球比赛。季后赛行程十分紧凑：每周有 5 天，每天长达 3 小时的训练，并每周进行两场比赛。原本我们计划了一个必须参加的周末集体退修活动，但 Micah 因为周五还有训练，周六有比赛，所以安排上出现了冲突。因为我们与其中一位教练关系较好，而且 Micah 又与那位教练的儿子是好朋友，所以我们让 Micah 去他朋友家过夜。

**事后观察** 

在那个周末之后，我注意到 Micah 的一些变化，而这些变化并不是我所期待的。首先，Micah 问我是否可以额外延长屏幕时间(玩電腦手機)，好与朋友一起玩 Minecraft(註：微軟開發的沙盒遊戲, 國內翻譯做“我的世界”)。对此请求我表示同意，这本身没有问题。然而，为了让他们能够顺利一起游戏，背后需要做很多准备工作：他们需要通过 Google Chat 建立联系，以便互相沟通；还需要使用 Google Meet，这样他们就可以在游戏过程中社交、对话，并互相看到对方；最后，由于需要承载一个私人 Minecraft 服务器，还必须打开防火墙的某些端口。所有这些设置都需要耗费时间。Micah 本身不懂如何操作，而我希望他能花时间摸索学习，同时以礼貌、尊重的方式寻求帮助。但 Micah 表现得十分急切、缺乏耐心，要求我在几分钟内将所有事宜都安排妥当，只为了能尽快与朋友一起玩 Minecraft。他过于专注于实现目标，而未能耐心经历必要的设置过程。

**负面态度的传染** 

通过此前与那位教练及他儿子的接触，我观察到教练的儿子与教练交流时的态度。我的感觉是，在那次过夜的过程中，Micah 受到了这种态度的影响。我反复告诉他：在请求他人帮助时一定要有礼貌、尊重，不要以命令的口吻提出要求；我也多次警告他，如果再不改进这种急躁、不耐烦的态度，我将暂停帮助他设置 Minecraft。经过两天持续的设置过程，Micah 的态度依然没有任何进步。于是，在第二天下午，我通知他：在接下来的一个星期中，我将停止帮助他进行 Minecraft 的设置，直到他的态度有所改善，然后再进行重新评估。消息一出，Micah 非常生气、沮丧，甚至开始哭泣。他回到自己的房间，连续哭了好几个小时。那天下午，他原本还有一场与其它球队的正式棒球热身赛，这对季后赛来说是非常关键的比赛，但由于情绪失控，他最终没有参加。尽管我试图安慰他，但他只是一味哭泣，并表示无法与朋友玩 Minecraft 的痛苦使他有了轻生的念头，不断质疑“上帝为何创造了他”。

**情绪平复后的反思** 

当晚，待 Micah 情绪平稳后，我试图与他对话，他首先向我道歉，为自己在情绪激动时的行为表达了歉意。我告诉他，我并不反对他和朋友一起玩 Minecraft，但如果他因一时挫败而情绪崩溃，这就表明他尚未具备通过学习设置系统来建立耐心与解决问题的成熟度。诚然，过程可能让人感到沮丧，但这种挫败感不应制服我们。他对此表示认同，我进一步告知，由于目前的状态，我们需要等待几周，再评估是否可以让他继续与朋友共玩 Minecraft，Micah 对此也完全接受。

**后续讨论** 

Micah 还提到，他的部分沮丧源于他与朋友已约定好要再次举办过夜活动，但鉴于他上次的表现，他预感到我不会允许他再与该朋友过夜。我对此表示理解，并向他明确表达：我不欣赏他那种命令式、态度强硬的要求方式，也不喜欢他提出请求时的语气和态度。同时，我问他如何看待朋友与他父亲沟通时的方式，他认为朋友在基本礼貌方面（比如说“请”、“谢谢”）做得欠妥，甚至有时显得很挑剔、爱抱怨。我认同 Micah 的观察，并补充了我自己的看法。Micah 问，这是否意味着以后我们就不能再让他与这个朋友一起出去玩。我回答说，不一定。总体而言，我认为朋友本人没有问题，但如果与朋友相处后，Micah 也开始模仿和接受那种负面的态度和行为，那么就说明他还不够成熟，不能良好地处理友谊中的影响。当然，没有人是完美的，但这并不意味着我们可以随意“染上”别人的坏习惯。我告诉 Micah，只要他能够学会在互动中保持理性，不被消极的行为所影响，他依然可以与朋友一起玩耍，甚至进行过夜活动。Micah 表示他会认真思考这个问题。

17.   6/2024 – Micah influenced by peers

a.      Who – Micah Wang, 10 years old

b.      What – Micah was blessed enough to be selected to play post season baseball in our local little league. Post season has a pretty intense schedule with 3 hour practices 5 days a week and two games a week. We had a weekend retreat that we were committed to, but Micah has practice Friday and a game on Saturday. Since we were good friends with one of his coach, and Micah is a really good friend with coach’s son, we had Micah have a sleep over at his friend’s place. After the weekend, I noticed many slight changes to Micah that I did not like. First, Micah asked if he can have extra screen time to play Minecraft with his friend. I said yes to this, this request, in it of itself was fine. However, in order for them to play together, there is a lot of setup. They need to get connected via google chat so they can communicate to each other. They need to be able to use google meet so that when they play, they can socialize, talk, and see each other. Finally, some firewall ports need to be opened because of some Minecraft private server hosting. This all took time to do. Micah didn’t know how to do it, but I want to make sure he spends time figuring it out. I also needed Micah to ask for help nicely, respectfully. Instead, Micah was demanding, impatient, wanted me to set everything up within minutes just so that he can play Minecraft with his friend. He was so focused on the goal that he had no patience for the process. Now, through my past interaction with the coach and his son, I have seen and observed how his son talks to the coach. My sense was that in the sleepover, some of this attitude was caught by Micah. I repeated told Micah to ask nicely, be respectful, not demanding, I warned Micah several times that if he does not improve, be patient, I was going to not allow him to play Minecraft with his friend. After two days of going through the setup, without Micah’s improvement in his attitude, on the afternoon of the second day, I told Micah that I will stop helping him setup Minecraft for 1 week until his attitude improves, then we will re-evaluate. He got really angry, frustrated, and started crying. He went in his room and cried for hours. He actually had an actual baseball scrimmage with another team that afternoon, which is an important event for the post season. However, Micah was not at an emotional state in which he could attend, so he missed it. I tried to comfort him, but he would continue to cry and say that he wanted to die, that not able to play Minecraft with his friend was so painful that he wanted to die. He kept saying why did God create him. I left him alone. That night, after Micah calmed down, when I tried to talk to him, his first response to me was that he was sorry for the way he behaved and reacted. I told Micah that I don’t have a problem with him playing Minecraft with his friend, but if he reacts and behaves the way he does, becoming emotionally distraught, for not playing Minecraft, then that is an issue. That shows me that he is not emotionally mature enough to go through the process of setting up his systems in order to play Minecraft with his friends. Yes, it can be frustrating, but we can’t let that frustration get to us. He agreed. I told him that given this, we will wait a few weeks before we will evaluate whether he can play Minecraft with his friends again. Micah completely agreed with this also. Micah told me that part of his frustration was that he and his friend had already planned another sleep over, and giving how he behaved, he knew that I was not going to let him have another sleep over with his friend. I agreed with him. I told him that I did not appreciate his attitude, his change in how he asks and demand his requests. I did not like the tone, the attitude. I asked him what he thought about how his friend communicates to his father. He said that his friend did not say please, thank you, and is demanding. His friend is also whining a lot of times. I agreed with Micah and gave him more of my observations. Micah asked whether it means we are not allowed to hang out with his friend again. I said not necessarily. Overall, I said that his friend was fine, but, if after hanging out with his friend, he adopts his friend’s attitude and demeanor, then that means perhaps he is not mature enough to hang out with him. No one is perfect, but that does not mean we start “catching” other people’s bad attitudes. I told Micah that he can play or even have sleep over with his friend if he can figure out how not to be negatively influenced by his friend. Micah said that he will think about it.